What Is Love?
by ShipALLTheStr8Men
Summary: POV from Eren Jaeger; Eren loves fighting titans for the sake of humanity, but isn't there something more to life? People miss people when they're gone, but why, is it because of this thing called 'love? Will Eren be missed if he's suddenly defaced from the Earth? Will Eren ever be 'loved?
1. The Darkness' Lullaby

I deeply sighed as I heard the click of my door, I pushed it open to allow myself into another type of darkness.  
I really enjoy fighting titans, I do, but I'm beginning to feel as if a large fragment of my heart is missing; I feel as if I'm solely recognized as a tool, though I don't quite mind since it shows I'm useful.  
It's just, most of everyone I love dies in front of my very own eyes, although I know it's not just me who's trapped in this anguish.

I lit my oil lamp and threw my aching body onto my bed, the only thing that seems to catch and hold me securely when I fall.

What happened to the fairy tales we grew up with; Didn't they portray love and so-called "happily-ever-after"s?  
"_Yeah right"_, I chucked out loud, hearing my pitiful voice ricochet off the walls.  
It's just night to have the thought of someone loving you; What does it feel like? Is it truly as happy as stories say, or will it simply hurt me in subtle ways?  
It's been so long since I've felt affection; Does family love differ from _this_ kind of love?

I observed the ceiling. Although this place may be falling apart, it's still somehow sticking _together_. This whole cabin is together: The wood sticks together, the floor sticks together, the bed sticks together, even the ceiling itself is a bunch of tiny particles sticking together.  
So what about me? I'm falling apart too, do_ I_ have something to keep me together?

A tear rolled down my face, yet I didn't even feel my eyes begin to water to begin with; Have I lost the ability to _feel_ as well?  
More tears began to fall.

I began to laugh to myself, or was it _at_ myself?

I covered my face with my forearm. Even my own tears have a cloth to stick to.  
I let out another laugh, beginning to not even be able to recognize my own voice.  
_Why _was I laughing? _Why_ was I crying? _What_ will any of this accomplish? I'm born to be a lone wolf; Maybe shouldering all of the world and it's pain will help others, so that makes it okay, right?

I curled into a ball, allowing thoughts, despair, and tears swallow me, along with the _cold, black _night.


	2. What is love?

"Eren?"  
I heard my name called, but where it was coming from and who articulated it was unidentifiable.  
"Eren, are you in here?", it called out again, but why does it sound so far away? Was the voice far away, or was _I _far away?

There was a pounding on a door, no, a pounding on _my_ door. I snapped back into my senses.

"Eren, I'm not fucking joking, get the hell up; We must discuss tomorrow's defense plans before morning, so that we could actually fucking use them_ tomorrow_." The voice grew more annoyed.

I recognized that I was in my room. I uncurled from my comforting ball-position, and sat up on my bed.  
"_Before morning"_, I recalled the mysterious, and ominous, voice say.  
"_What time is it anyway?", _I looked at the clock, it read 23:55; I must have passed out for about 2 hours or so.

"_Eren!"_, the voice and pounding intensified. Why couldn't I recognize the voice?  
I became pensive, quickly struggling to indicate the doer of the voice before they tore my door from its hinges. "_Tomorrow's defense plans. . .", _I contemplated. Then, I recognized it, finally.

"L-levi?", I called out, not realizing how raspy my voice had become.  
"Who else could it be, you damned brat? Now, open the damn door!"

I cleared my throat and stood up. Suddenly, my knees collapsed and I fell, pitifully, onto the floor. For some reason, I felt so weak and feeble.

"Eren, what was that?", Levi asked, getting more and more choleric with every passing second.  
I let out a nervous laugh, "Nothing, just dropped something, Heichou!". I collected myself and forced myself to get up and do my job: follow orders and prepare to eradicate titans.

I cracked open the door, enough to be able to see the less-than-content Rivaille sending me a death glare.  
"Yes, Heichou?" I asked cheerfully, feigning everything from my tone to smile. Unamused, he repeated himself: "The defense plans for tomorrow? I'd be delighted to go over them with you before it's necessary to initiate them?", he waved the delineations, spitefully.  
I don't want him seeing my face, which is assumingly red and stained with dried tears. "Great Idea!...so, what are they?", I asked, again feigning cheerfulness.  
Levi raised an eyebrow, seeming to become even more irritated. "Eren,", he sighed, "Wouldn't it make much more sense to go into your room, where it is light, so you could actually _fucking see _the plan?"

Crap, I had to quickly think of something to dodge that. "Ahaha...", I let out another nervous laugh, "honestly, you work hard and use up enough of your energy, no need to go to such extra effort. Just explain them here!", I explained.

He slammed his hand on the door, grabbing the edge, preparing to pry it open. "_Look_, Eren, I'm far too exhausted to deal with such nonsense bullshit. Now let the the hell in before I fucking kill you!". He began pushing the door open, and I began struggling to push it closed.  
"Heichou, please! No!", I begged, I didn't want to loose everything, all I had left was being a useful tool, I didn't want to be completely thrown away...

Levi was much stronger than I to begin with, let along being in my current, weak, state.  
"Eren, what the hell's the matter with you?!"  
I just kept struggling, I will not let myself be thrown away.

It wasn't long before Levi won the battle and threw the door open. He charged in, fuming, and grabbed me by the shirt, running me painfully into a wall, leaving the defense plan papers to scatter on the floor.  
"You've better have a _damn _good explanation for this!", if only stares could kill; I stood silent.  
"_Answer me!", _He yelled, as he violently shook me, turning me over to where the oil lamp lightened my sorrowful face.  
"Ere-!", he stopped.

_Shit._, I thought. It's all over, I'm going to be discarded, discarded like all of the other people who I once loved.

He examined my face, his expression slowly calming, yet still hinted with solemn. "What happened?", he loosened his grip on my shirt.  
I turned my face away, hair covering my puffy eyes.  
"Eren", he asked again, calmer this time. He sighed, "Eren, lookat me.".  
"_Tch!_", I grabbed his hands and tried to pry them off.  
"Eren, _look _at me.", his tone did not change this time. He let go with one of his hands, and fiercely, yet not painfully, turned my face to face his. My eyes widened, and my heart sunk.

"Eren, have you been crying?", his concern seemed sincere.  
"It doesn't matter.", I answered.  
"It _does _matter."

"Why would it?", I smirked, "_Tools _aren't guaranteed happiness."  
"What do you mean by '_tool_'?"  
"My happiness or sadness doesn't mean anything, I should focus solely on killing titans, because that's my only concern. . . that's all I'm _good _for."  
"Eren, what the hell are you blabbing on abou-"  
"There's no one for me!", I yelled, "Everyone has someone! Someone to catch them, and hold them together when they're falling apart!"  
"Eren. . ."  
"I enjoy fighting for humanity, I honestly do! But. . . what does it feel like to be loved?"  
"Love?", Levi asked.


End file.
